Went on another bike-camping journey, this time with friends -- some old, some new. It was weird... in terms of adapting to an American lifestyle, and more specifically a Pacific Northwest lifestyle, it was weird. For one, there was the continuous discussion about our possessions. Bikes, sleeping pads, tents, cooking stoves. I tried to tune it out, but I couldn't, and I couldn't help my judgement and categorization of all these topics as materialistic. Mitch, of course, played devil's advocate and argued that our friends were simply excited about bike-camping together for the first time. Of course we're going to discuss these things -- he argued -- but next time, it won't even come up.
I think I lost it when everybody started talking about my Indonesian bicycle, the Batcycle. According to Mitch, the reason I wasn't going as fast as everybody else and struggled up hills was because my bike is not fit for the hills of the Pacific NW. He kept pointing out that his gears go quite low, so while I struggle on my lowest gear, he still has two more to go. Another couple instead argued that the problem is that my bike is too big, and that I should really look into getting one the proper size. Soon everybody was discussing what I should do, and I finally said in frustration, "Okay, can we please stop talking about my bike? I don't think it's too big" ... as if it everything was an attack on something I held dear. And I wanted to add, who cares if I don't go as fast as you guys, who cares if I struggle up hills. I'm still doing it all, and I'm doing it for about 1/4 the cost that you guys paid.
I know I shouldn't take it so personally, but when we start talking about how my stuff isn't good enough, it kind of hurts. Talk all you want about your things, but leave my stuff out of it. I never asked for your advice, and I can't afford to buy a $2000 bike at the moment. I'm funemployed.
Another thing, too, is that the whole experience was humbling. This weekend I chased two ferries, and as I was chasing, I struggled... a lot. My friends blew past me on their bikes, and although Mitch stuck by my side, my eyes welled up with tears every time I went up a hill and felt I was holding everybody behind. At one point I even lashed out at Mitch, saying that I would never do this ever again. That I would never bike with friends again.
I'm still trying to come to terms with how upset I got. When I climbed up Merapi and everybody blew past me, I didn't get upset, I just did it. That, too, was humbling, especially when I realized I couldn't make it to the true summit like all the others.
But why did I get mad and upset this time? Was it because somebody close to me was right by my side and I could vent to him, let him see my true frustrations? Or maybe I really did need a better bicycle?
I regret now being so hostile. It makes me sort of understand some of the couple struggles that Barbara and Larry went through in Miles from Nowhere: A Round the World Bicycle Adventure.
Total distance on bicycle this past weekend: 124 miles.
Total meditation time today: 19 minutes.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Thursday Night Meditation
After three weeks of attending the Thursday meditation, there's already a small gang of regulars. We are planning to get pie after next week's session.
Today I left feeling very relaxed and happy. In my post-meditation reflection I told the group that meditation has helped me with my cycling habits, more specifically with my breathing, making sure all my body parts are relaxed when I go up hills, and in not getting so mad at myself when riding the hills. More on this later...
I also had an amazing time meditating to the thought of my good friend, Amanda. I thought of her, became filled with love and appreciation, and imagined a light in my chest expand first to the size of the room, then to the size of the city. My mind became alert and euphoric, but my body started to droop in relaxation. It was something new.
Tomorrow, Mitch and I are biking down to West Seattle and taking the ferry to Manchester State Park, where we'll camp for two nights with friends. On Saturday we ride through Vashon Island. Here's hoping I'm not socially awkward this time! I've really been struggling with that when it comes to meeting Mitch's new friends... Still trying to get used to this kind of American wit...
In other news, ReWA got back to me on my background check! I'm set to start volunteering in adult ESL class every Wednesday morning.
Total meditation time today: 30 minutes.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Beginning of Fall
Even biking to my friend Kira's house this morning, 10 minutes away, is an adventure. My Indonesian habits have been leading me astray as a cyclist in Seattle. I am trying to relearn proper road etiquette, and one thing I've discovered today is that taking 85th is a big no-no.
It's nostalgic, in a weird way, to ride with a raincoat underneath my helmet, pants slowly getting soaked. My bicycle from Indonesia (which I've fondly called "the Batcycle" for its yellow wheels) has also felt its share of rainy weather. But it's colder here, much colder, and my fingers are stiff as I type this entry. It seems that Mitch and I are hanging on to summer... our windows are still open.
Total meditation time today: 18 minutes.
It's nostalgic, in a weird way, to ride with a raincoat underneath my helmet, pants slowly getting soaked. My bicycle from Indonesia (which I've fondly called "the Batcycle" for its yellow wheels) has also felt its share of rainy weather. But it's colder here, much colder, and my fingers are stiff as I type this entry. It seems that Mitch and I are hanging on to summer... our windows are still open.
Total meditation time today: 18 minutes.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Planning for Grad School
Today was a good day. The morning is a bit of a blur (I spent a lot of time looking through Chinook Book coupons), but I eventually motivated myself to bike to Fresh Flours to "work on stuff" -- quotations because before I got there I wasn't sure what, exactly, I was going to work on. After ordering a sandwich (which I've been craving often lately) and a cappuccino, I sat my ass down.
From there I began researching, once again, what it would take to apply for an MPA at UW. Several phone calls to ETS led me to track down my previous GRE score, and browsing the net led me to realize that my scores aren't as terrible as I think they are (though still less than ideal). I also have a timeline in my head as to when I'm supposed to get shit done, but I think I should probably should start writing things down.
Deadlines (loose for now)
-- Tomorrow, after hearing back from UW, register a date to re-take GRE
-- End of the week, brainstorm what, exactly, I want to do with an MPA.
-- End of the month, contact my references.
-- End of the month, order a transcript from Iowa State
-- October 10, draft a statement of purpose
-- October 13, re-take the GRE
-- October 15, visit UW to learn about the program.
-- October 18, draft a personal statement
-- December 15, send in application material
Good news! Things are starting to seem tangible :)
This evening, Mitch and I made a healthy dinner from our CSA box. Using kuri squash*, leeks*, kale*, sage*, cauliflower*, garlic, lemongrass, fresh chili, fish sauce, stock powder, salt, pepper, and cayenne powder, we made a very delicious soup, very loosely following this recipe. Some differences are obviously the addition of cauliflower, spices, and lemongrass, and also that we first roasted the squash and cauliflower until they were half done. It was so good! I'm glad I've developed a taste for spice. Thanks Indonesia.
With our soup we drank a bottle of Big Black Jack, an imperial chocolate pumpkin porter brewed by Oakshire Brewing. I prefer not to drink a lot these days, however, so I drank only a small tiny tulip, about 4 oz... It was more than enough.
We also finished the second season of Legend of Korra, which was creative and funny, a huge improvement from first season.
Total meditation time today: 20 minutes.
* provided by the CSA box
From there I began researching, once again, what it would take to apply for an MPA at UW. Several phone calls to ETS led me to track down my previous GRE score, and browsing the net led me to realize that my scores aren't as terrible as I think they are (though still less than ideal). I also have a timeline in my head as to when I'm supposed to get shit done, but I think I should probably should start writing things down.
Deadlines (loose for now)
-- Tomorrow, after hearing back from UW, register a date to re-take GRE
-- End of the week, brainstorm what, exactly, I want to do with an MPA.
-- End of the month, contact my references.
-- End of the month, order a transcript from Iowa State
-- October 10, draft a statement of purpose
-- October 13, re-take the GRE
-- October 15, visit UW to learn about the program.
-- October 18, draft a personal statement
-- December 15, send in application material
Good news! Things are starting to seem tangible :)
This evening, Mitch and I made a healthy dinner from our CSA box. Using kuri squash*, leeks*, kale*, sage*, cauliflower*, garlic, lemongrass, fresh chili, fish sauce, stock powder, salt, pepper, and cayenne powder, we made a very delicious soup, very loosely following this recipe. Some differences are obviously the addition of cauliflower, spices, and lemongrass, and also that we first roasted the squash and cauliflower until they were half done. It was so good! I'm glad I've developed a taste for spice. Thanks Indonesia.
With our soup we drank a bottle of Big Black Jack, an imperial chocolate pumpkin porter brewed by Oakshire Brewing. I prefer not to drink a lot these days, however, so I drank only a small tiny tulip, about 4 oz... It was more than enough.
We also finished the second season of Legend of Korra, which was creative and funny, a huge improvement from first season.
Total meditation time today: 20 minutes.
* provided by the CSA box
Monday, September 22, 2014
Finding Meaning in Unemployment
So here I sit again in Seattle, this time unemployed, trying to find meaning and peace in my decision to stay in the US instead of pursue work in Asia. In about three and a half hours I will attend a meditation meet-up group, one of my outlets during this uncertain time.
This one tonight follows Sahaja Yoga, which is a little new to me because I'm not exactly the spiritual or religious type -- and often I have to tone down my skepticism or amusement. It's always been that way. But I like the idea of meditation in general, and the people are the kind I like being around. So I'm trying it out.
The meet-up on Thursday happens at somebody's house, and it takes a secular approach with visualization techniques. My favorite technique during that session is the visualization of light. Picture light in your body, and transfer it to somebody who might need it. During the first session I imagined my mother... she was so upset with me, mostly in part because of this marriage I am trying to plan that she highly disapproves of. I imagined this light fill her, and I imagined the creases fade from her brow. I felt tremendous amount of peace at that moment.
Three days ago I was cycling through Bainbridge Island, and I kept imagining what thoughts this blog would keep. Perhaps, I thought, I could contemplate my struggles with self-criticism, feminism, and self-doubt. Perhaps I could write about my relationship with my fiancé, Mitch, as we rediscover who we both are after two years of separation.
Perhaps I could write about my new friendships. There are already four of them through these meet-up groups, and at least four through Mitch. Perhaps I could write about Seattle and its communities, the unspoken segregation I witness among my middle-class friends and people in the southern end of the city. Now that I'm no longer a part of the working middle-class, at least in terms of income, perhaps I could learn something new in this city that I love.
Right now I'm applying for jobs and volunteer positions, and I'm trying to find meaning in this chosen approach to life. I hope in time that I will begin to feel better about my decision, but right now, as I sit here missing Indonesia, missing my friends and work there, I know that I have to write about these things lest I get carried away with myself. I hope that this blog will be an outlet for me to explore these issues, that I'll be able to look back one a day from a wiser position.
This one tonight follows Sahaja Yoga, which is a little new to me because I'm not exactly the spiritual or religious type -- and often I have to tone down my skepticism or amusement. It's always been that way. But I like the idea of meditation in general, and the people are the kind I like being around. So I'm trying it out.
The meet-up on Thursday happens at somebody's house, and it takes a secular approach with visualization techniques. My favorite technique during that session is the visualization of light. Picture light in your body, and transfer it to somebody who might need it. During the first session I imagined my mother... she was so upset with me, mostly in part because of this marriage I am trying to plan that she highly disapproves of. I imagined this light fill her, and I imagined the creases fade from her brow. I felt tremendous amount of peace at that moment.
Three days ago I was cycling through Bainbridge Island, and I kept imagining what thoughts this blog would keep. Perhaps, I thought, I could contemplate my struggles with self-criticism, feminism, and self-doubt. Perhaps I could write about my relationship with my fiancé, Mitch, as we rediscover who we both are after two years of separation.
Perhaps I could write about my new friendships. There are already four of them through these meet-up groups, and at least four through Mitch. Perhaps I could write about Seattle and its communities, the unspoken segregation I witness among my middle-class friends and people in the southern end of the city. Now that I'm no longer a part of the working middle-class, at least in terms of income, perhaps I could learn something new in this city that I love.
Right now I'm applying for jobs and volunteer positions, and I'm trying to find meaning in this chosen approach to life. I hope in time that I will begin to feel better about my decision, but right now, as I sit here missing Indonesia, missing my friends and work there, I know that I have to write about these things lest I get carried away with myself. I hope that this blog will be an outlet for me to explore these issues, that I'll be able to look back one a day from a wiser position.
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