Juggling Things

I need this moment to wind down...

I feel like I've been juggling a lot lately. In the past few days, both jobs #2 and #3 got back to me. They both want to offer me positions. Tomorrow I will negotiate with #3 (the full time position) to see if I can work between 30-35 hours instead of 40.

With job #3, I start training this Friday.

Job #1, the Citizenship Instructor position, is moving along and I really enjoy it. This past Saturday was my first opportunity to teach a full class on my own. I think it went rather well, though the students will for sure need to adjust to my teaching style, which I think is more engaging (and forces them to talk more!) than the previous instructor. Tomorrow I teach again, but this time the Education Director will sit in to observe me for a bit. I think it'll go well, but I do hope she observes me during an active moment in class.

Last Friday we spent time with some friends over dinner, followed by Hump Fest. It's a really unique film festival, showcasing some really artistic and emotionally driven pornography. The one I voted for "best film" was called Glory Hole. It was about a really happy and totally in-love gay couple who met when... well, the title gives it all away.

Going through a lot of old clothes and sorting out winter stuff. House is a mess, as usual. I think the only time it's been clean was when Grace stayed over for a few days. We cleaned thoroughly for her.

Had a double date on Sunday with Gen and Mike. I really like that couple. They're really easy to talk to and are totally non-judgmental.

Before that, Mitch and I had engagement photos done with Derrick, a guy who shares my affinity towards Ninja Turtles. We went to Sunset Hill, a local coffeeshop, and Golden Gardens.

Jobs, jobs, jobs

Everything is happening all of a sudden! This past week I've had a total of three interviews for three unique positions. Here's how they stack up:

1) Citizenship Instructor: teaching Citizenship Classes three times a week to adult learners. Challenges include balancing out civics-related topics with general ESL-related challenges, such as varied levels of English abilities among the students.
Part Time: 12 hours (6 hours of actual class time)

2) Guide/Outreach person for a start-up non-profit supporting a new park space downtown.
Part Time: 12-30 hours

3) Program Assistant for a California-based non-profit that is branching into Seattle to develop services for at-risk and special needs students in the new charter schools.
Full Time: 40 hours

It sounds like all three of them are seriously considering me, which is awesome. But it also puts me in the challenging position of having choices. I really want to do all three of them, but I'm afraid to get burnt out. Professionally, #2 and #3 would be perfect for my pursuit of MPA.

But while #1 is not necessarily in line with my career objectives, I do love to teach and work directly with adult learners in the community. It's that hands-on kind of experience that tends to lighten my heart, although the introvert in me does freak out at the thought of being monitored!

An offer for #1 has come in, which I accepted today. I start tomorrow (Saturday) by observing a class and training with the current instructor.

It sounds like offers for the other two will follow soon enough.

Socialite

I'm not doing so well, socially, to tell you the truth. When I went to a party last night, I took a look around. In a room full of about 30 people, I was the only non-white present. Another Asian showed up later in the evening, and that was it. These kinds of things are what I notice, now more than ever, and I'm trying to break free of it. I don't know why it bothers me so much except that it speaks to a lack of other perspectives, which is what I always seem to crave. I also associate lack of diversity with the cause of misunderstanding and bigotry. But that's the thing, these friends aren't bad people. They're nice and they're welcoming. They're just... all middle to upper class white Americans. I'm trying to be respectful of these friends. I still attend, still play the part and smile and laugh at things. I just don't enjoy it as much as I used to. And I'm trying to figure out why that is and whether it's something I should be concerned about.

A Pause for Accomplishments

Things are starting to pick back up! In the past couple of weeks I have managed to:

- have two interviews with two separate non-profits. Next week I have second-round interviews with the higher-ups in both organizations.

- secure three letters of recommendation for my grad school application. One will come from a dear aerospace professor at ISU, another from my last manager at Boeing, and the last from my supervisor at VIA. I think the unique combination will definitely add a competitive edge to my application.

- get in touch with two professors in the UW program. I am planning to sit in on two classes next week.

- volunteer on a weekly basis with ReWA, where I've also made a possible lifelong friend in a fellow volunteer.

* * *

I hope that all this "hard work" will indeed culminate in:

- a couple of part-time job to pay the bills and increase my exposure and leadership experience in non-profit and public policy work in Seattle.

- an acceptance letter to UW's MPA program. I'm crossing my fingers for scholarships, also.

Job Things

A lot of good things today!

I moved onto to the second round of interviews for the job I've been talking about. I'd make diddly squat, but it sounds like a really good position to be in within the city of Seattle.

I also received a phone call from another job and did a somewhat impromptu interview over the phone. I think it went okay...

Total meditation time today: 10 minutes

Jobs and Interviews

I applied for two more jobs today, the first an opening for an ESL Assistant Instructor, and the other a Citizenship Instructor. I hope I get one because I really do like the organization, and I think I could learn a lot from my colleagues there. In any case, it's an organization that I already support through volunteerism, and one I will continue to support whether or not I get the job.

My interview yesterday went pretty well! And while I am trying not to replay/cringe too much, I am trying to reflect and find ways to improve. I think, in some ways, I might be too modest about what I am capable of doing. After I talked to the guy about my time with API Chaya, he asked me if I had strong connections with the international district. For some reason I said, "well, to be honest, not really, because I've been gone for two years," when really I should've emphasized my role with orgs there and how I can definitely network accordingly. Putting this positive spin on things is something I was pretty good at when getting an engineering job... I think I need to have more faith in my abilities in the non-profit sector.

Other than that, I presented myself pretty well, answered questions effectively, and managed to form a decent connection with the recruiter, who is one of three full-time employees at the non-profit -- basically a start-up org. Now I simply have to wait to see if I made it past the first round of interviews. If I pass, I'll then have to face the Director.

Yesterday I also went to the API Chaya meet-up where I met some new people, including a girl named Kaha who graduated from the undergrad Public Administration program at UW. I am hoping that we can become good friends, and that she can provide me with some insight about the professors in the program. Pretty soon I hope to start sitting in on some classes!

Six Things to Be Grateful For

Despite these moments of uncertainty that I have blogging about lately, there is still much to grateful for. I realized this as I was walking over to Green Bean this morning, reflecting on my previous day. I started making a list in my head of what makes me feel fulfilled, and I'd like to write these down to appreciate this moment of clarity and to remind myself that there is more to life than my anxieties.

1) I enjoy truly being myself, doing work that comes naturally, and smiling with people. Yesterday I was teaching the lower-level ESL students at Refugee Women's Alliance, and I found myself laughing with them over the silliest things. I think that I'm really starting to develop a bond with these students (who, by the way, are all 40+ years-old), and I genuinely look forward to Wednesdays for this reason.

2) I've met a lot of genuinely nice people.

- One of my fellow volunteers at ReWA is a middle-aged woman named Kathleen whom I connect with on a very personal level. She has a very diversified career and was doing very well, but then she decided to leave her job, move to Seattle, and is now hoping to find work the social services sector. Unfortunately, the job market has proven more difficult than she anticipated, and she been job-searching for two years. After volunteering yesterday, we had lunch togther at Inay's, a Filipino restaurant, and I watched, stunned, as she scooped a whole spoonful of bagoong (shrimp paste) into her pinakbet (squash+bittermelon stew). When she dropped me off at Uptown Coffee, she said she really enjoys talking with me. "It's nice not to feel invisible."

- At Inay's I also met the cashier, a lovely young Filipina who told me about her hometown of Tacloban, one of the main areas devastated by super typhoon Yolanda last year.  She apparently visited her hometown two days after the typhoon. I asked her what it was like, and she described to me how surreal it was to walk down a street and see all these dead bodies along the side of the road.

- I met two amazing people at a Beacon Food Forest meet-up that never actually took place. One of them is a really out-going Asian-American named Jon who knows a lot about permaculture. The other is Gabriela, a really friendly yoga-loving girl from Chile, who is job-searching and trying to start an online furniture business with her friend back home.

- The Thursday meditation sessions have a bunch of lovely regulars, among them a really peace-driven couple who just moved to the area, and a super talkative lady who is about to get married in Hawaii.

3) I can get excited about job interviews for causes I never thought I'd be able to support. In a few hours I will be meeting a guy at a cafe to discuss a non-profit position I applied for about a week ago. It's actually the one I wrote about in this entry. Wish me luck!! I am hoping that it will allow me to network and grow as a leader. I am also hoping it will provide me with the inspiration and clarity I need to write my Statement of Purpose for grad school.

4) I have been learning to live with Mitch again, falling more in love with him every day. There are definitely moments where I become stressed about our future, particularly during those emotional breakdowns. But we both are really trying to communicate openly and stay in tune with one another. There's a lot that I am trying to work on, myself -- a lot of bad habits I'm trying to break -- in order to improve how I communicate and react to things. I am optimistic that we can get through these difficult times, especially since we managed to survive two years living across the sea from each other.

5) I am improving my relationship with my mother, as I described last week.

6) I am learning to become more in tune with myself and my insecurities. I am realizing who I am, and I am continuing to develop a greater sense of self-awareness while moving forward in my professional development. I am learning what really makes me tick and feel uneasy. I am also learning what brings me peace -- that is, solitude, connecting with individuals, volunteering, reading the book Quiet, and drinking coconut pouchong at Green Bean Cofeehouse.

Cover Letter woes

In a classic move that I'm sure never to forget, I wrote the wrong company name -- twice -- in a cover letter.

The Compassionate One in me is giggling and telling me that it's an honest mistake. Since I was helping a friend earlier by editing her generic cover letter, which btw says "Company" (as a filler) all over the place, it's no surprise I made this error.

The hilarious things that I spent a paragraph talking about my awesome project management skills, which relies on "my ability to manage multiple priorities and deadlines, paying close attention to the details in the process." WHAT IRONY!

books books books

I am becoming more and more aware of the social anxiety and depression I feel around Mitch and some of his new friends. Two books are enlightening me to my conflict, and they are:

Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain

and

Self-Esteem by Patrick Fanning and Matthew McKay

The Critic's Voice

I applied for a job this afternoon, and in reviewing my cover letter, Mitch thought to reassure me by saying,

"you might be overqualified for what they're looking for
looks like they're after a highschooler or something
but i think what you wrote was good"

When I told Mitch how bad I felt at the thought that I was applying for a highschooler position, he was immediately apologetic, saying it came out wrong. That he didn't mean it in a bad way. But it was too late, the Critic went off in my head again.

Here you are again, 28, applying for an ultra entry-level job that a high-schooler could do, what is wrong with you? What happened to your career? And you're getting married next year? What, so you can live off your husband?

I am reading a book now about self-esteem and silencing that Critic -- the one who tears you down and calls you lazy, stupid, a failure, anything to make you feel inadequate and less than you really are. In recognizing that we have an inner Critic, we can learn to ignore it, deem it irrational, somebody separate from ourselves that tends to exaggerate. We can then listen to the voice of reason, the compassionate voice that understands our unique predicaments without tearing ourselves. It encourages to be okay with who we are.

So, what does the compassionate one tell me?

Look at you! With your free time, you have been keeping busy meeting new friends, teaching ESL to adult refugees, planning a wedding -- WHICH IS NEVER EASY -- and learning that in order to go after something better, sometimes you need to reach a low. Don't listen to the Critic. Applying to this job is a good thing, a brave thing. Rather than sit on your ass and do nothing, you are willing to try and be involved in a project that could shape the future of Seattle. It will allow you to network, to meet like-minded people, and to learn so many new things about what is going in this city. It's admirable. This is better than Boeing. You should congratulate yourself for not taking the easy way out.

Yesterday's entry

My ESL students at ReWA today were grouped together as "special needs" students. I was instructed to teach with the use of magnetic letters, five letters prompted each time. It was certainly a challenging task, beyond my previous teaching experience. Going from "A" to "B" back to "A" sometimes proved difficult, and it makes me wonder exactly how much progress these students have made after being there for several months. My goal for next week is to get their story... hopefully I can determine, eventually, the most effective way to teach them.

It felt good, and it felt happy, to bond with my fellow volunteer, Kathleen. She is a 50+ year old woman, who, like me, is experiencing a career shift and is thus currently unemployed. I am glad to meet people like her who can help validate, or at the very least support, decisions I've made. Unlike my dad who is pointing me towards analyst jobs (which I have no experience in, and not to mention NO interest in doing), people like Kathleen remind me that I really ought to be pursuing what I think is a good fit for me, professionally, and that I ought not to apologize to anyone -- not even my parents.

Beer Weekend and Wedding Planning

The past weekend was the most beer I've consumed since coming back. Friday was Elysian's pumpkin beer festival, and we attended with Jamie (Mitch's sousaphone friend) and his lady friend Jessica. Jessica is a lovely Burlesque dancer, extremely open to new people and seems really genuine about wanting to be friends. Mitch's brass band D20 will be playing at a Burlesque show in a few days, and I think she'll be there too.

The next night, I spent time at the Elysian Brewery in Capitol Hill with my favorite gay couple in Seattle, Danny and Brian. They are some of the most professionally-minded and homey individuals I know, so I was really glad to hear their support about what I'm doing now. It's the kind of support that also helps to keep me mentally grounded in my goals.

Small successes: this morning I got around to booking a date for my GRE exam, November 17th, and an appointment for my annual physical, October 14.

And some great news, my mom and I have finally bridged the communication barrier regarding my wedding. Long story short, since I haven't mentioned it yet -- my mother really wants me to have a Catholic ceremony. But complications exist since a) I'm an atheist, b) Mitch is an atheist, and c) while I would really love to make my mom happy by getting married in a Catholic church, the promises that Mitch and I would have to make are not desirable. We would have to promise to raise our children Catholic, and that's not something we are prepared to do.

To seek external support, I emailed my mother's best friend Tita Mila -- who is a very liberal-minded Catholic -- and her response was extremely positive.

"I truly and honestly believe that you should have the kind of wedding you and Mitch want! You must not waver in your desire to make it happen. Incorporating the unique practices and traditions from both religions and cultures is a wonderful idea. Besides, aren't Catholics and Lutherans more alike than different? Do you really think your parents will have a problem with a non-religious ceremony? I am confident that they will respect your wishes -- I know because I remember the time when your mom shared with me her concerns, and outright disapproval of Aries and Karen's relationship. She came around, didn't she? Ultimately, we, parents realize (albeit slowly...because we are old) that we need to let go, and let our children live their lives. Our job is done!

 I believe this moral support, which I later forwarded to my mother, really helped in getting my mom on board, at least to some extent. While she still sees herself as a failure -- and I quote,

"The bigger reality that makes me sad is that I am a failure as a Mother for not being able to share/impart my belief that there is a God, (indeed not a Catholic God), but just God... One reason I did not mention right away when I had a pain in my skull is because the first thing I was going to ask from you was to pray that I will get better but I thought, how will I ask you since you already told me you don't believe there is a God..."

-- she has, for the most part, come around, has promised to attend my wedding, and is now giving me all sorts of advice, realizing that I only have eight months to plan this wedding. My heart is happy, although tired.

I'm still trying to figure out how to properly respond to her concerns in that text message above. In any case, I'm so glad that she is now doing well health-wise and that the pain has gone away.

A Low Point in my Return

So this is it. This is a low.

I am observing it and this is what I feel:
-frustration
-helplessness
-jealousy
-ignorance
-culture shock
-pathetic
-not included

The good news is I saw those friendly faces again at that house on 58th street, and that I made it through a GRE practice test, finally. The good news is that I have a place to stay tonight and that I had delicious chili for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The good news is that coconut pouchong tea is one of the best I've ever had the privilege of trying. That I have a bike. That my family is safe. That I am safe, and that there is someone who loves me.

But this is how I feel, and tears are welling up in my eyes. I can't seem to come to terms with these feelings, no matter how much I meditate on them. I notice them, they're there, and I am having a hard time.

Total time meditated today: 50 minutes.

Bike-Camping in the Pacific NW

Went on another bike-camping journey, this time with friends -- some old, some new. It was weird... in terms of adapting to an American lifestyle, and more specifically a Pacific Northwest lifestyle, it was weird. For one, there was the continuous discussion about our possessions. Bikes, sleeping pads, tents, cooking stoves. I tried to tune it out, but I couldn't, and I couldn't help my judgement and categorization of all these topics as materialistic. Mitch, of course, played devil's advocate and argued that our friends were simply excited about bike-camping together for the first time. Of course we're going to discuss these things -- he argued -- but next time, it won't even come up.

I think I lost it when everybody started talking about my Indonesian bicycle, the Batcycle. According to Mitch, the reason I wasn't going as fast as everybody else and struggled up hills was because my bike is not fit for the hills of the Pacific NW. He kept pointing out that his gears go quite low, so while I struggle on my lowest gear, he still has two more to go. Another couple instead argued that the problem is that my bike is too big, and that I should really look into getting one the proper size. Soon everybody was discussing what I should do, and I finally said in frustration, "Okay, can we please stop talking about my bike? I don't think it's too big" ... as if it everything was an attack on something I held dear. And I wanted to add, who cares if I don't go as fast as you guys, who cares if I struggle up hills. I'm still doing it all, and I'm doing it for about 1/4 the cost that you guys paid.

I know I shouldn't take it so personally, but when we start talking about how my stuff isn't good enough, it kind of hurts. Talk all you want about your things, but leave my stuff out of it. I never asked for your advice, and I can't afford to buy a $2000 bike at the moment. I'm funemployed.

Another thing, too, is that the whole experience was humbling. This weekend I chased two ferries, and as I was chasing, I struggled... a lot. My friends blew past me on their bikes, and although Mitch stuck by my side, my eyes welled up with tears every time I went up a hill and felt I was holding everybody behind. At one point I even lashed out at Mitch, saying that I would never do this ever again. That I would never bike with friends again.

I'm still trying to come to terms with how upset I got. When I climbed up Merapi and everybody blew past me, I didn't get upset, I just did it. That, too, was humbling, especially when I realized I couldn't make it to the true summit like all the others.

But why did I get mad and upset this time? Was it because somebody close to me was right by my side and I could vent to him, let him see my true frustrations? Or maybe I really did need a better bicycle?

I regret now being so hostile. It makes me sort of understand some of the couple struggles that Barbara and Larry went through in Miles from Nowhere: A Round the World Bicycle Adventure.

Total distance on bicycle this past weekend: 124 miles.
Total meditation time today: 19 minutes.

Thursday Night Meditation

After three weeks of attending the Thursday meditation, there's already a small gang of regulars. We are planning to get pie after next week's session.

Today I left feeling very relaxed and happy. In my post-meditation reflection I told the group that meditation has helped me with my cycling habits, more specifically with my breathing, making sure all my body parts are relaxed when I go up hills, and in not getting so mad at myself when riding the hills. More on this later...

I also had an amazing time meditating to the thought of my good friend, Amanda. I thought of her, became filled with love and appreciation, and imagined a light in my chest expand first to the size of the room, then to the size of the city. My mind became alert and euphoric, but my body started to droop in relaxation. It was something new.

Tomorrow, Mitch and I are biking down to West Seattle and taking the ferry to Manchester State Park, where we'll camp for two nights with friends. On Saturday we ride through Vashon Island. Here's hoping I'm not socially awkward this time! I've really been struggling with that when it comes to meeting Mitch's new friends... Still trying to get used to this kind of American wit...

In other news, ReWA got back to me on my background check! I'm set to start volunteering in adult ESL class every Wednesday morning.

Total meditation time today: 30 minutes.

Beginning of Fall

Even biking to my friend Kira's house this morning, 10 minutes away, is an adventure. My Indonesian habits have been leading me astray as a cyclist in Seattle. I am trying to relearn proper road etiquette, and one thing I've discovered today is that taking 85th is a big no-no.

It's nostalgic, in a weird way, to ride with a raincoat underneath my helmet, pants slowly getting soaked. My bicycle from Indonesia (which I've fondly called "the Batcycle" for its yellow wheels) has also felt its share of rainy weather. But it's colder here, much colder, and my fingers are stiff as I type this entry. It seems that Mitch and I are hanging on to summer... our windows are still open.

Total meditation time today: 18 minutes.

Planning for Grad School

Today was a good day. The morning is a bit of a blur (I spent a lot of time looking through Chinook Book coupons), but I eventually motivated myself to bike to Fresh Flours to "work on stuff" -- quotations because before I got there I wasn't sure what, exactly, I was going to work on. After ordering a sandwich (which I've been craving often lately) and a cappuccino, I sat my ass down.

From there I began researching, once again, what it would take to apply for an MPA at UW. Several phone calls to ETS led me to track down my previous GRE score, and browsing the net led me to realize that my scores aren't as terrible as I think they are (though still less than ideal). I also have a timeline in my head as to when I'm supposed to get shit done, but I think I should probably should start writing things down.

Deadlines (loose for now)
-- Tomorrow, after hearing back from UW, register a date to re-take GRE
-- End of the week, brainstorm what, exactly, I want to do with an MPA.
-- End of the month, contact my references.
-- End of the month, order a transcript from Iowa State
-- October 10, draft a statement of purpose
-- October 13, re-take the GRE
-- October 15, visit UW to learn about the program.
-- October 18, draft a personal statement
-- December 15, send in application material

Good news! Things are starting to seem tangible :)

This evening, Mitch and I made a healthy dinner from our CSA box. Using kuri squash*, leeks*, kale*, sage*, cauliflower*, garlic, lemongrass, fresh chili, fish sauce, stock powder, salt, pepper, and cayenne powder, we made a very delicious soup, very loosely following this recipe. Some differences are obviously the addition of cauliflower, spices, and lemongrass, and also that we first roasted the squash and cauliflower until they were half done. It was so good! I'm glad I've developed a taste for spice. Thanks Indonesia.

With our soup we drank a bottle of Big Black Jack, an imperial chocolate pumpkin porter brewed by Oakshire Brewing. I prefer not to drink a lot these days, however, so I drank only a small tiny tulip, about 4 oz... It was more than enough.

We also finished the second season of Legend of Korra, which was creative and funny, a huge improvement from first season.

Total meditation time today: 20 minutes.


* provided by the CSA box

Finding Meaning in Unemployment

So here I sit again in Seattle, this time unemployed, trying to find meaning and peace in my decision to stay in the US instead of pursue work in Asia. In about three and a half hours I will attend a meditation meet-up group, one of my outlets during this uncertain time.

This one tonight follows Sahaja Yoga, which is a little new to me because I'm not exactly the spiritual or religious type -- and often I have to tone down my skepticism or amusement. It's always been that way. But I like the idea of meditation in general, and the people are the kind I like being around. So I'm trying it out.

The meet-up on Thursday happens at somebody's house, and it takes a secular approach with visualization techniques. My favorite technique during that session is the visualization of light. Picture light in your body, and transfer it to somebody who might need it. During the first session I imagined my mother... she was so upset with me, mostly in part because of this marriage I am trying to plan that she highly disapproves of. I imagined this light fill her, and I imagined the creases fade from her brow. I felt tremendous amount of peace at that moment.

Three days ago I was cycling through Bainbridge Island, and I kept imagining what thoughts this blog would keep. Perhaps, I thought, I could contemplate my struggles with self-criticism, feminism, and self-doubt. Perhaps I could write about my relationship with my fiancé, Mitch, as we rediscover who we both are after two years of separation.

Perhaps I could write about my new friendships. There are already four of them through these meet-up groups, and at least four through Mitch. Perhaps I could write about Seattle and its communities, the unspoken segregation I witness among my middle-class friends and people in the southern end of the city. Now that I'm no longer a part of the working middle-class, at least in terms of income, perhaps I could learn something new in this city that I love.

Right now I'm applying for jobs and volunteer positions, and I'm trying to find meaning in this chosen approach to life. I hope in time that I will begin to feel better about my decision, but right now, as I sit here missing Indonesia, missing my friends and work there, I know that I have to write about these things lest I get carried away with myself. I hope that this blog will be an outlet for me to explore these issues, that I'll be able to look back one a day from a wiser position.